Tag: daddy

We Can Do Both, It’s Okay!

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By now you have read the meme to this post and I can almost guarantee that you either laughed out loud or shook your head in agreement.  I consider myself a pretty strong woman and I can think of so many times I took a good cry before or maybe after I bossed up and handled things. Typically none of us tells that part of the story, just the part where we show strength.  For some reason, we tend to think vulnerability makes us seem weak and fragile, but that is not true. When we are vulnerable we are actually showing just how strong we are.

One of the most recent crying/boss up moments happened to me when my mommy called  and told me she had to have heart surgery. I immediately stepped into momma bear mode right then and there. When she hung up the phone, I grabbed my puppy and cried like a baby. That was my mommy and I could not understand why this was happening to her. After my soul was cleansed from my good ole cry, I bossed back up because I had no choice but to be strong for her.

Depending on my mood I might be listening to Bach, Beethoven, Tupac, Jay-Z, Charlie Daniels or Faith Hill. Thinking back on another moment, one day as I finish a verse in one of Pac’s songs that talked about taking someone out the game,  I started to think back to when that same song was playing in the car when I was riding with my daddy. He looked over at me as I sang along getting every word right and asked why was I singing that song like I had lived it. I replayed that moment like it had just happened.  I laughed for a split second before I had a mini-meltdown. Tears, snot, the ugly cry and all happened so quickly. This went on for what seemed like forever. Then all of a sudden my phone rang and I saw my son Chris was calling. I gathered my composure and answered. When Chris asked me what I was doing I answered in my boss voice,” listening to some Pac and thinking about your Paw Paw Mike!”  I could not let Chris hear me upset because he would have automatically thought something bad had happened no matter what I said to him. He worries about me enough, so I had to boss up before the call. Afterwards I had to laugh at myself.

Continue to be strong, stoic and persevere, but if you need to take a moment and cry it’s okay. Just make sure you boss back up and take care of business. If you need help doing it, just ask. It’s okay!

“…you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Bad Beginning

 

Going Through It, To Get Over It!

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Hello to all of my favorite readers out there. Thank you for stopping by. I am so happy you are here! I hope you are feeling good today. Guess what? I am!  No, doctors have not found a cure for HS this month. I know like everything else, this is temporary, but I am going to ride this good feeling out until the motor drops on the ground and the wheels fall off.

I have been having really vivid dreams lately about my daddy and all of my grandmothers’. I didn’t think anything of it until it started to happen each and every night. As some of you know, they are all deceased. The dreams had to mean something. I began to write down what I remembered immediately after I woke up. I discovered each and every night, Mudea, Momma Dosie, Daddy, Momma Mae and Momma Ola were all rooting for me. In each dream, each interaction they were telling me to keep going. I hear it now so clearly, “Landa don’t stop, don’t give up, I am here.” I woke up with tears in my eyes and smile on my face. I know they all are here watching over me. You see, I never told anyone about my last pain cycle with my HS but my mom. Only she knew how bad I felt and how down I was. My mom said those same words to me. It was at that moment, I told my mom I had to go and I would call her back the next day. I started to focus on my family and friends that are always rooting for me. I said okay and little by little, step by step, I began to feel stronger than I was before.

I had literally already talked myself out of going to see Iyanla Vanzant at the Fox Theatre. Maybe someone else will buy my ticket, I thought. Besides, it was a fabulous seat. The thought of having to change out of my pajamas and getting dressed up was too much for me to think about. Then there was traffic. I would have to leave at 5:30 and who in their right mind would get into traffic at that time? Not to mention, I would be exhausted from working all day. It was just too damn much! Just as I was about to post my ticket for sale online, I sat down and was still. I sat still, took a breath and began to laugh. Who said I had to get dressed up? I can go as myself. Iyanla said she focused on healing and not image. So I removed that self placed pressure I created and decided whatever I put on I would be fabulous. You know why? Because I am fabulous. Why was I worried about traffic? I had not been in my car all day and I am sure it was nothing me and Ludacris could not handle with a little “Move B***** Get Out Tha Way!” Step by step, little by little, I got dressed and out the door I went.

The Fox is a beautiful theatre and there were so many beautiful people there. The funny thing is I met so many people that were there alone, but we ended up leaving together as sisters. When Iyanla hit the stage, the crowd went wild.  Okay, full disclosure, I wanted to run up on stage and steal a hug. I decided against that because I did not want to go to jail and end up on YouTube. The show was so powerful you could feel the energy, connections and people getting stronger. You had to be there to experience it.  Some things she touched on that really spoke to me were:

  • Sometimes we have to ask God to soften our heart. Forgiveness is rough!
  • When we use the word fear, it’s not that at all. It’s not being in control of the outcome.
  • Never underestimate the ruthlessness of the ego.
  • Be mindful of the things you think about and what you place your focus on.
  • Be careful what you tell yourself about yourself.
  • All thoughts are neutral. They have no value or meaning until we assign it.
  • We focus on negative emotions more than the positive ones because of the emotional pulse attached to it.

Her book “Get Over It” is a must read. It is not what it sounds like. She is not saying get over it in a flippant manner, but in a way that teaches you how to leave the negative behind so it no longer holds you hostage.

I plan to keep this good feeling going for as long as I can. HS, anxiety, depression, anger nor excuses will stop me!  I want all of us to shoot for the good feeling. If you are unable to show up for yourself, it’s okay, I WILL SHOW UP FOR YOU! We are all in this together. We don’t have to do it alone.

I love you all to life!

Landa

 

This Is All Of Us…….

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I am almost positive that everyone has either seen or at least heard about the show This Is Us that’s on NBC. Well if you haven’t, it’s definitely worth taking time to watch it. I can guarantee you will not be able to stop watching after you see the first episode. Anyway I am not here to convince you to watch the show. I am here to share how This Is Us is all of us.  The mere title of the show makes me cry. Yes, I know these people are actors, but they suck you in and make you feel like you are on the journey with them. Without going through each episode (and yes I can!), I want to share the theme of the show LOVE.

The love is so real that it’s tangible. It also shows that love is not perfect. Love can be messy and love can be hard.  The love that parents have for their children is like no other. I honestly did not understand that love until my dad told me one day that he would die and go to hell for his children. He meant every word. When daddy didn’t have anything else, he had us. Parents and children do not always get along. Kids and parents are both trying to prove they know what’s best. There is attitude, anger and ego flying all over the place. Not to mention everyone’s individual secret storms that they are going through. Neither parents or children always make the right decision. We are imperfect beings. But when everything is all said and done, your family is going to show up for you. (And if they don’t I will show up for you!)

I think what really makes me ugly cry is the fact that I finally see someone who relates to me about the love and loss of a father. A father that you knew loved you and would do anything to make sure you were okay. That does not mean he was perfect or fearless.  It meant he loved you unconditionally and would literally lay down his life to preserve yours. I am not the same person I was before my father passed away. Almost 12 years later, I still cry daily and try to put one foot in front of the other wishing I could hear him yell “LANDA! one more time”. So I hold on to my memories and my love because just in case anyone ever forgets who Mike Cobb was, I will gladly remind them. I have a beautiful granddaughter and a handsome nephew who will know who their Paw Paw Mike was and how much he was loved and admired.

You see this is all of us. None of us have the perfect family or circumstances, but somehow we will come together and be okay. We all have troubles, secrets, fights and fall outs, but at the end we all have each other. No matter what race or background you come from, we all can relate on some level. This why I think so many people watch this show and ugly cry right along with me.  Let’s cultivate and spread love as much as we can. For any fellow parents reading this, my wish for you is that your children love you as much as I love my parents. For all my fellow children, my prayer for you is that you love and appreciate your parents because they will not always be here.

Now  I am going to stop because my puppy doesn’t know why I am crying and I need to wipe the tears from my keyboard.

Good Grief…..

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I never thought there was such a thing. I only heard it said when someone was frustrated about something or when Charlie Brown just couldn’t cut it. I’ve always associated grief with crying and being sad. Just a dark cloud of loss and pain. I remember when my father died. I didn’t know which way was up. I was doing fine as long as I was in Alabama with the rest of my family. As soon as I got back to Georgia, that is when it all hit me. I had to try to live in a world where my father physically wasn’t. I felt all alone in this big bad world. Although we didn’t live in the same state, I somehow felt protected by him. I can recall not wanting to go outside and at the time, I couldn’t understand why not. I guess that’s when the grief started. Until then, I guess I was on autopilot. I would try to watch television and all I would see were fathers and daughters. When I finally got up enough strength to go out,  I was constantly being reminded that he  was gone. As I looked around and so many people  still had their fathers and mine was dead. I became so angry at everything and everyone. Why did my father have to die? Why not take a bad person that was not contributing anything to society? I did not want to see or hear anything about anyone else’s father because it was not fair. I didn’t want to go back to Alabama because he was not there. I could not explain the sadness and sorrow I was feeling. No one would understand I lost the first man I ever fell in love with. No one knew how we talked daily and most of times, it was about nothing at all. I just wanted him to know I loved him as much as he loved me. I did not want to be reminded of any good times because it hurt so bad. Nothing in my life had purpose. I didn’t want to finish graduate school or anything else I was working toward because he was gone. I stayed in this fog for a long time and had  no plans getting out of it.

One day those thoughts and feelings changed. I was talking to my son Christopher and he said ” Momma I miss paw paw Mike so much. I don’t know what to do.” As a mother, you don’t ever want to see your child, no matter what age , in pain. As the tears rolled down my face, I said to him ” you continue to allow your paw paw to live through you. You talk to him and you remember all the wonderful time you two spent together.”  Where the hell did that come from? Was that momma bear Yolanda or therapist Yolanda?  Whomever it was seemingly gave me permission to go on with my life and still have my father with me during each and every step. I finally understood that grief manifests itself in many ways and it does not always mean crying and anger. Of course I know the 5 stages of grief:  1. Denial & Isolation 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression & 5. Acceptance. The realization I had was that it does not always happen in order and there is no time limit. I have my good days when I can watch the Twilight Zone and think about how that was our favorite show and just smile. Then there are the bad days when I want to call him to tell him how sick I feel and then I am reminded he will not answer the phone because he is not physically here. The only difference between now and then is I am not paralyzed by grief, but I use my “good grief” to celebrate my father’s life and to stay connected with all those I love.  I will talk about him to anyone who is willing to listen and I cry when I need to.

Today was a mixture of both. Before I saw the doctor to get my CT scan results, I was so nervous. All I could think about was how I wish my father was here so he could make me feel better. He knew how to keep me from worrying and make me laugh about something silly.  I wanted to be able to call him while I was speaking with the doctor. After everything was said and done today, I was able to talk to him about it anyway. My father is always here with me. He is watching over all of us. I even reminded him about a previous conversation about neither one of us being worth a squirrel fart due to our illnesses. I was able to laugh and keep calm during rush hour Atlanta traffic thanks to him.

“Fathers and daughters have a special bond.
She is always daddy’s little girl.”
― Richard L. Ratliff