I have only one son named Christopher Michael. Even though I had him at a young age, I was one and done. For those of you who know me, you know I often say things like “I don’t like children” or “I can’t deal with kids.” Something to the effect of me and kids not mixing. The funny thing is whenever I see a child, I smile and get all in my feelings. I gravitate to kids and they to me. Not to mention I am a Yaya to the most beautiful 3 year old little girl. One day a friend of mine asked me why I say such things when I am so kind to kids and would do anything for them. When I was called out, I actually had to be honest about my feelings and my words.
What I really mean when I say I don’t like kids is that I am scared and I need a village to help me because I would worry myself to death. They are so precious and sometimes I feel undeserving. Chris was a good kid (umm yes he had his moments!!) and turned into a great man, but the village that it took to help me raise him was phenomenal. I would not be who and where I am without them. Some of the people in my village have passed on and I don’t know if I could raise another child without them. What if someone tries to hurt them? What if they get abducted? I don’t have the words to explain how this would literally kill me. My Facebook news feed is full of Amber Alerts for missing children. Not to mention how children are being sold in the sex trafficking ring. I worry about my granddaughter and all of the children I love. I even love and worry about the children I don’t know. The thought of a child suffering is unimaginable and is too much to think about.
I will end my post by saying I love children and I will be a part of your village. I am going to help in any way I can. It takes all of us to keep our children safe from the evil monsters in the world. If I see something that is not right, I am definitely going to say something.
“Children represent the future, encourage, support and guide them.” Catherine Pulsifer
I hope everyone is doing well. It has been a stressful, rollercoaster past few weeks. As unorganized and all over the place as I have been, I am thankful that I am here. Still moving forward, still pushing, REFUSING TO BE DEFEATED!
As many of you know my mommy just had triple bypass surgery. Yes, this is a major procedure. When she first told me, I have to admit I was taken aback. I immediately went into mommy protector mode. While trying to stay positive with my mommy, I began to prep and plan trying to get everything done before the date of her surgery. I did not want her to have to worry about anything. After I hung the phone with her I sat here at my desk wondering what I was going to do next. First thing I did was ask God to watch over and heal my mommy. I explained to him how much I loved her and how much I needed her. I continuously prayed and prayed and anything trace of fear I initially had disappeared. I had to choose fear or faith. I chose faith.
With everything going on of course I started to reflect on the days of when my daddy was sick in the hospital. I honestly think God knew I was about to spiral down a never-ending rabbit hole of emotion with these thoughts. Instead I thought about the things my parents told me at some very difficult times in my life. I narrowed it down to two for the sake of not writing a book. (More to come in future posts!)
- I traveled home from Atlanta on a stormy day to visit with my daddy when he was in the hospital. This was actually one of the last visits I had with him before he passed away. So it took me a while to get there and when I did I was so tired and hungry. It’s like I can see his face now. When I walked in the room he smiled and said “hey baby!” I spoke and told him it took me forever to get there because it was storming. I told him I was hungry, but that I didn’t need to eat because I was fat. Daddy looked at me and said ” Landa you are not fat. I wish I looked like you right now. You are so beautiful.” Of course I told him ” I get it from my daddy!” We both laughed. You see, at the time my daddy had lost so much weight because he was sick, he didn’t look like himself. I grabbed his hand (which I just loved) and told him thank you and that I loved him. There I was complaining about the way I looked and all he could see was his daughter that he loved and that loved him so much. That’s all that matters.
- I called my mommy one day like I try to do on a daily basis even if there is nothing going on. Well on that particular day, I was having a bad day. My feelings were hurt about work and my lack of a social life. I remember being at the point of tears. Just before a tear fell my mommy said to me,” Baby I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. You have no idea how wonderful you are.” Of course many tears fell after that. When I got off the phone with my mommy all I could do is smile and thank God for her. She had no idea how what she said made me feel so much better. Words from her mouth went straight to my heart.
I carry my parents with me daily. It doesn’t mean that I don’t mess up or make mistakes. It means that God does not make mistakes. It means my parents belong to me and I to them. Even when we have had our WTF moments, rough spots and truly asking if there was a mix up at the hospital. I means I was, am and will always be loved by them, as I love them.
Things have a way of coming back full circle. I have been lucky enough to be with my parents during their times when they were vulnerable and sick. When they needed me most. I use the word lucky because it is something I am more than happy to do. They have taken care of me all of my life. The good, the bad and the ugly. Yes it has been ugly because no matter the ailment, I told my parents about it! LOL! I know as children we can never repay our parents for everything they have done, but it is nice to show them the unconditional love they have shown us.