Category: HS Life
Going Through It, To Get Over It!
Hello to all of my favorite readers out there. Thank you for stopping by. I am so happy you are here! I hope you are feeling good today. Guess what? I am! No, doctors have not found a cure for HS this month. I know like everything else, this is temporary, but I am going to ride this good feeling out until the motor drops on the ground and the wheels fall off.
I have been having really vivid dreams lately about my daddy and all of my grandmothers’. I didn’t think anything of it until it started to happen each and every night. As some of you know, they are all deceased. The dreams had to mean something. I began to write down what I remembered immediately after I woke up. I discovered each and every night, Mudea, Momma Dosie, Daddy, Momma Mae and Momma Ola were all rooting for me. In each dream, each interaction they were telling me to keep going. I hear it now so clearly, “Landa don’t stop, don’t give up, I am here.” I woke up with tears in my eyes and smile on my face. I know they all are here watching over me. You see, I never told anyone about my last pain cycle with my HS but my mom. Only she knew how bad I felt and how down I was. My mom said those same words to me. It was at that moment, I told my mom I had to go and I would call her back the next day. I started to focus on my family and friends that are always rooting for me. I said okay and little by little, step by step, I began to feel stronger than I was before.
I had literally already talked myself out of going to see Iyanla Vanzant at the Fox Theatre. Maybe someone else will buy my ticket, I thought. Besides, it was a fabulous seat. The thought of having to change out of my pajamas and getting dressed up was too much for me to think about. Then there was traffic. I would have to leave at 5:30 and who in their right mind would get into traffic at that time? Not to mention, I would be exhausted from working all day. It was just too damn much! Just as I was about to post my ticket for sale online, I sat down and was still. I sat still, took a breath and began to laugh. Who said I had to get dressed up? I can go as myself. Iyanla said she focused on healing and not image. So I removed that self placed pressure I created and decided whatever I put on I would be fabulous. You know why? Because I am fabulous. Why was I worried about traffic? I had not been in my car all day and I am sure it was nothing me and Ludacris could not handle with a little “Move B***** Get Out Tha Way!” Step by step, little by little, I got dressed and out the door I went.
The Fox is a beautiful theatre and there were so many beautiful people there. The funny thing is I met so many people that were there alone, but we ended up leaving together as sisters. When Iyanla hit the stage, the crowd went wild. Okay, full disclosure, I wanted to run up on stage and steal a hug. I decided against that because I did not want to go to jail and end up on YouTube. The show was so powerful you could feel the energy, connections and people getting stronger. You had to be there to experience it. Some things she touched on that really spoke to me were:
- Sometimes we have to ask God to soften our heart. Forgiveness is rough!
- When we use the word fear, it’s not that at all. It’s not being in control of the outcome.
- Never underestimate the ruthlessness of the ego.
- Be mindful of the things you think about and what you place your focus on.
- Be careful what you tell yourself about yourself.
- All thoughts are neutral. They have no value or meaning until we assign it.
- We focus on negative emotions more than the positive ones because of the emotional pulse attached to it.
Her book “Get Over It” is a must read. It is not what it sounds like. She is not saying get over it in a flippant manner, but in a way that teaches you how to leave the negative behind so it no longer holds you hostage.
I plan to keep this good feeling going for as long as I can. HS, anxiety, depression, anger nor excuses will stop me! I want all of us to shoot for the good feeling. If you are unable to show up for yourself, it’s okay, I WILL SHOW UP FOR YOU! We are all in this together. We don’t have to do it alone.
I love you all to life!
Landa
Hold On or On Hold?
Sometimes I feel like my life is on hold. You see HS is holding on for dear life and there are times when I (yes me) feel defeated. Today is one of those days. When you are in pain and unable to function, there is a lot of time to think about things. Even things that you don’t want to think about. There are many people I know with HS that have other issues going on because of HS. For example, significant GI issues and migraines from stress. I look at it like one big vicious circle of pain. I have chronic pain and I know from being a therapist how pain medication can often times have a negative effect on your life. I decided not to seek pain management through prescription medication. That is a decision I made for myself because I know myself and on days like today (and everyday this week) everything HURTS! I don’t think there is enough of anything on the planet that would help. On top of all the pain I was dealing with you know that things can and did get worse. HS was like “hold my beer!” As you know I take Humira weekly. I was just informed that my copay is $3000.00 each month. Thanks to the changes of my current insurance. That was like a punch in the gut. I could not see straight. Was it the migraine, HS, treacherous GI issues or just life? All I know is everything was hurting and there was nothing I could do about it. This morning as I was getting up to get ready for work, HS said no. You see it invited 3 new family members to the party. What else could I do except cry myself to nap because I am unable to sleep well when I am hurting this bad.
I took a day off tomorrow because I planned to do something fun for myself. My fun day has turned into another sick day. This is why I never plan anything nowadays. I cried so much, my eyes and nose were red. Gambino did his job and tried his best to comfort me by being his cute self. I looked at him and told him that I really want to throw in the towel. It is not getting any better and I am so tired. By the time I finished uttering those words, a dear friend of mine called me. I told her I didn’t feel well and she asked me why didn’t I call her because she would’ve come over. I told her I did not want to bother her and that I thought I could handle it. For all of those who know me, you know I began to cry harder. Just when the ugly crying began, my wonderful son called me. You see today is his wedding day. He is in Fairbanks Alaska and I am in Atlanta Georgia. He was going to have it in June in Texas, but he had to move the ceremony up because there is a strong possibility he will be deployed to Korea very soon. Christopher called to tell me how he was feeling on this day about getting married and how much he loved me. As he was sharing his feelings with me, I couldn’t help but to think how lucky I am to have him as a son. A son that loves me enough to share things with me and thinks I am such a wonderful person. He is why I hold on. He is why I won’t throw in the towel. I have to continue to try to be strong for him. I know Kali and Chris calling me when I was at one of my lowest points was God’s way of saying I am not as alone as I feel right at this moment. I even got a package in the mail from my friend April. She sent me a pair of Wakanda tights. They are gorgeous! She knows I am for everything Black Panther. Her note was so kind and just in case you were wondering I ugly cried. LOL! It meant the world to me. She had no clue how much I needed her kind words.
I said all that to say this, hold on everybody even when it hurts. We have either been in a storm, getting out of a storm or getting ready to go into one. As I am writing this, I am realizing I needed to have those ugly cries. They are helping me put things in perspective. Maybe I don’t need to continue to take Humira because it is definitely not helping me. I think I may have developed anti-bodies to Humira when I stopped taking it and started the HS trial. So there is an option. I guess we will see what happens. Right now, I am going to try to hold on as best I can.
Wakanda Forever! Not Just This Weekend!
HS be damned. You did not win! I did. I have been looking forward to the arrival of Black Panther since last year. Matter of fact, I think that is when I purchased my prescreening event ticket. It’s hard for me to plan anything because HS is very unpredictable. I decided to let the chips fall where they may because nothing was going to keep me from this film. Besides, one of my dearest friends is an extra in the movie. Which to me is the same as her having a leading role. The day before the event as I got up to prepare for work, a sharp pain brought me to my knees. I knew better to ask what it was about. I knew it wasn’t the flu, but HS related. I had one of the worst flare-ups I had ever seen or felt. Every scar and every open area was red, enflamed and angry.. AT ME. The first thing that came to mind was OMG what am I going to do with my ticket because I will not be able to walk. I sat on the floor and devised my plan. Thank goodness I had my cellphone because I did not know when I was going to be able to get up. My entire day consisted of Clorox baths, various topical medications and a solo rendition of the horizontal polka. Thursday morning arrived and I felt like a kid at Christmas. Black Panther is here! Black Panther is here! As was the pain! There was a silver lining. I was at least able to walk a little. All I needed to do was get my hair styled, shower, get dressed, get in the car and to the theatre. That was my to-do list for the day. It was touch and go there for a minute, but I managed to make it. There were many breaks in between and even a few tears, but I persisted.
When I got out of my car, I was immediately greeted by this beautiful lady that said ” I love your shirt, your hair and earrings. Welcome. We are so glad you’re here.” I was shocked. I could not believe there was a welcoming committee for the movie. She asked me my name and I told her as we were walking toward the theatre. She finally asked me if I was here for the volunteer work. I was like “ummm no, I’m sorry I am just here for the movie.” We both laughed and hugged. She introduced me to the rest of the volunteers and we all had a laugh. As I walked into the theatre to find my place in a line, I saw all of the Black Panther posters and instantly got goosebumps. People were trying to buy tickets and they were sold out until Tuesday. I was so happy I had my ticket already. I walked around looking at the posters and a young lady walked up to me and asked me if I was here to see Black Panther. I told her yes and she replied ” so am I let’s sit next to each other.” More and more people arrived dressed in their t-shirts and African attire. Everyone was hugging, laughing, and taking pictures. I was okay with being there alone because it was like I was attending with my family. It was amazing. This is not a fad. This is a positive movement.
I won’t spoil the movie for those of you who have not seen it yet. I urge you to go and see it as many times as possible. This movie made me feel amazing both during and after I finished watching it. I am so proud to see people on the big screen that look like me play such positive and profound roles. Killmonger’s role as the villain is just as important as T’Challa’s role as the hero. Africa is being shown as this bountiful and beautiful not impoverished land. Children have their superhero that is not a slave, crackhead or criminal. While I know Wakanda is fictional, this movie is pushing me outside of my box. I want to know where I came from. I want to explore my family history. I want to do more in the community and the world. If nothing else Black Panther has shown how we all can come together for a common interest and make a difference. We can do great things together and make a difference. I want to continue to take this feeling with me not just this weekend, this month but forever. WAKANDA FOREVER!!
(Insert Colorful Verbage)
When I was thinking about a title for my post, all I could think of were words that were not appropriate and since my mom reads my blog, I decided against it. So I decided to let all of you use your imagination. Pain is as real as it gets. If I don’t actually say to someone I am in pain, my body does it for me. When I am unable to walk, sit or stand without crying I am in significant pain. I feel vulnerable when I am in pain and if I lived in a perfect world, it would be my best kept secret. On days like today, vulneralbility be damned because my feelings and emotions are all over the place. I want to have a pity party and be sad, but part of me is just so angry. I feel like knocking down every door and wall in sight because I feel like no one understands or is even trying to understand what it is like to have Hidradinitus. It is a condition that will test you in each and every area of your life. It’s not like a headache that comes and goes. HS comes, sets up shop and builds an entire community.
Today I feel defeated. HS won the battle. I wasted time I will never get back trying to explain to people who sit behind a desk, identify me by a number and have no clue or care about me or my life, how much pain I am in on a day to day basis. It was like trying to explain the smell of an eyeball. I have to admit, there are days I want to take pictures of all of the areas of my body that are and have been touched by HS and send it to people like them. I know I have said before I would not wish HS on my worst enemy, but today is not that day. I don’t think the “powers that be” will completly understand HS unless they or someone they love all of a sudden have this awful condition.
HS is sometimes considered an invisible illness because not all the cysts and scars are visible when we are fully dressed. I feel like I have to convince people I am sick because I don’t look sick. I didn’t ask for this and I don’t want it. Today I am not as strong as I would like to be. Today is a day I wished my dad was still alive so he can defend me to the bad guys. Today is a day I wish I lived with my mom so I could crawl in her bed and cry while she tells me I am going to be fine. Oh well, today is over and I will live to fight another day tomorrow. I am going to bed and pull the covers over my head!
There Is A Point To The Pain….
I read something funny online the other day about having everything going the way you planned. It read “each time I have all of my ducks in a row, one of them waddles off.” I laughed and was testifying to the joke until I read one that accurately described me at the time, “I don’t have any ducks. I don’t have a row. I have squirrels and they are all drunk.” Just when I think I have everything organized and flowing smoothly, life says “hold my beer!”
It can feel like you are sinking in quicksand when problems arise out of nowhere. Unfortunately we can’t plan for everything. We don’t know when our children are going to get sick, when our car is going to break down, when our job is downsizing, when we get sick or even when we are going to have a stressful day. It seems like when you fix one thing, another one arises. About 5 days before Christmas, I ended up having a really bad flare up. It was so bad I looked on Web MD (never do this when you are sick, you will end up feeling like you only have 24 hours to live!) and I had diagnosed myself with cellulitis or shingles. I could not take anymore pain, so I ended up going to the doctor. Turns out I had a bad reaction to some medication I was taking for HS that caused the breakout and flare up. This could not have happened at a more inopportune time because it was only a few days before Christmas and I still needed to work. On top of being sick, I was stressed out about being sick. Finally, I had to come to terms that I had no control over what was going on. I was only able to control my response to it.
As I reflect on the days I was sick, I have been trying to find the point of it all. Sometimes, it’s hard to find the point through the pain. I believe in God and I have faith that whatever I go through, He will make sure it ends up working out for my good. The point in my pain for this flare up is about to turn into something wonderful for me and other HS sufferers. I made flyers about 2 months ago to start a group for individuals with chronic illnesses, even though I had a venue and support lined up, I never got around to giving them to my physician to give to other HS patients as a resource. Now that I have to see my physician for additional follow-up, this is the time to give her the flyers and start working on my HS groups. This flare up has also ignited a fire in me to provide more awareness to HS so other people can understand what it is and how it affects those of us who suffer from it.
The point in your pain can be hard to see sometimes, but it is there. Maybe God sees you are getting too comfortable in a position and makes it uncomfortable so you are forced to do something different. Just maybe the relationship did not work out with that person because he or she was not the right person and you had to free yourself for who you deserve. Maybe when you get sick, it is then you see how strong you are. Everything happens for a reason. We are unable to control the variables, but we can control our response to it.
Romans 8:28
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God”
Take Off Your Veil, So They Can See Your Cracks….
How many of us wear an invisible veil each day? So many of us are afraid to show others how fragile or vulnerable we are from day to day. We have to keep this stoic facade in fear of being judged in some way or another. I will be the first person to raise my hand, especially with the last few days I have had with HS. Honestly, it feels like HS has had me in the a chokehold. I have always took pride in myself for being an open book, what you see is what you get. This belief took a shift when Hidradenitis Supprotiva has tried to take over my life. Of course my family, closest friends and fellow comrades who have HS understand, but what about everyone else? What about the people I meet when I am at the bookstore? What about the people I see as I am walking Gambino? What about the people I work with? What if they saw my “cracks”?
In one of my previous posts, I wrote about one of my cysts I called Bertha because she was a beast. I am glad to say, she finally burst. Just as I was about to get ready to do my happy dance, HS said “hold my beer!” She did not leave without leaving her mark on me to let me know she came, she saw and she attempted to conquer. There is a painful hole where she used to be. To keep the hole company, I am having not only new cysts, but everything is flared up. I honestly think all of this was triggered by stress. The not so funny thing is I was stressed about Bertha and not being able to walk. HS is a constant stress circle. As I limped into my physician’s office this morning, I passed a young lady who stopped me to tell me she really liked my hair. I smiled at her and with what little energy I had said “thank you.” I continued to limp into the office, I couldn’t help but to think what if she knew it took me 2 hours to shower and get dressed? ( I hope I remembered to put on deodorant) What if she knew each step I am trying to take is shooting severe pains all over my body? What if she knew about all of the cysts and flares that were having their own party on and inside of my body? What if she actually saw what HS looked like?
After spending all day in severe pain, I have had time to think about my cracks. I really did not have a choice because it hurts to sit and it hurts to stand. I was forced to lift my veil and be honest about how I really felt. Most of the time I am happy go lucky, but not everyday. I hurt. I cry. I have pity parties. I get scared. I need help. We don’t take off our veil because we don’t want others to see our truths. If something happens and our truths are seen by others, they sometimes blame us for being so stoic and not saying anything about it. Some may even blame you for being truthful because it causes them to reflect on their lives and their truths. We all know, life is short. Spend the rest of your days walking in your truth. If your veil just so happens to blow off or if you decide to take it off, hold your head up high and make no apologies for being human.
“There is a crack in everything.
That’s how the light gets in.”
― Leonard Cohen
Bad Flare Life….
What did I do different? Was it a different food or ingredient? Did I wear a different material or was it just stress? Then the ugly realization that this is my life with HS just hit me. I have a cyst the size of a lemon on my abdomen. I woke up to this surprise on early Monday morning. I was unable to sleep the night before. There was so much tossing and turning, I finally got out of the bed. On the way into my home office, I felt a sharp pain on my abdomen. I went to the bathroom to check it out and there she was. She was only the size of a walnut then. Now she is the size of a lemon. I think I will name this one Big Bertha.
It hurts when I sit. It hurts when I stand. I hurts when I lay down. It hurts when I breathe. My wardrobe until Bertha leaves will consist of oversize shirts and hammer pants. (While I am dressed like this, I promise I will see a celebrity or my crush!)I had so many plans for this week and now I have had to change them. HS has taught me how to write in pencil because I definitely have to erase and edit my life almost daily. I have managed to work and take hot baths since her arrival. I try to play with Gambino when I can. He is learning all about HS and I am confident he will understand just as Ali did.
I wanted to write about something different, something more upbeat but HS pushed itself in front. I have no control over when I have bad flare days and try really hard to push through and take them when they come. I told my readers I would be honest with them about HS and this is definitely one of those days when what I want to do and what I am able to do don’t match up. I am definitely going to try again tomorrow.
I have added more pictures on the HS page of my blog. You will see some of the most beautiful and handsome people in the world who also suffer with HS. We will not hide and we are not alone.
Today I Chose My Scars…..
The day was filled with doctor’s appointments and I worried about having the energy to get it all done. I was so anxious today, I drove to the old office building for my appointment. Maybe it wasn’t anxiety, maybe it was the trap music I was listening to while I was stuck in traffic for an hour. Did I mention the office is only 15 minutes away from my house? The only appointment I was looking forward to was my HS appointment with Dr. Weisman. She has a way of making me feel like I can rule the world because if I can live with HS, everything else is a breeze. Even though Dr. Weisman knows each and every scar and active place I have, it’s still uncomfortable when you are au naturel in front of your doctor, nurse practitioner and nurse. After she checked in with me, she began my examination. She was so proud of the progress of the healing in places, especially my left arm. Dr. Weisman then asked me if I wanted to have surgery to remove all of the scarring. My first reaction was “umm yeah!” The chance to actually cure HS on a part of my body is what I have been waiting on all of my life. Or at least I thought it was. Just as I was about to have a full blown party in my head, I had some questions about the surgery. Will it hurt? How long is the healing process? Will I have a scar? Will I need someone to stay with me? And again, will it hurt? She told me the doctor would cut out all of the scarring from arm, take skin from my thigh and put it under my arm. There is at least 2 weeks of down time and several weeks of not being able to lift my arm.
I immediately began to weigh out the pros and cons. I wouldn’t have HS under my arm and no more bandages. That was the only pro I could think of. The cons came to mind so naturally. What about work and Gambino? What about the healing time of the place they are removing the skin from? Will the new skin under my arm look like normal skin? Am I just replacing one scar for another? Will this really change the type of shirts I wear? After taking all of those things into consideration, I declined Dr. Weisman’s offer. She was perfectly fine with my decision and told me she completely understood. I thought about all of the new ventures I have coming up, now is not the time to stop. I feel like I am in a chapter of awakening in my life and I am looking forward to what it has in store for me. At this point in my life, I am okay with my scars. My scars are a part of me and they come with the package that is Yolanda. Love it or don’t look.
Do We Know How To Receive?
I remember when I was in my 20’s and people were constantly asking me if I were going to have more children. I heard things like ” When are you going to make Chris a big brother?” to ” You need to have more babies so you can have someone to take care of you when you are older.” I was so bothered by it. I remember discussing it with my dad. “Why does everyone want me to have babies? Why won’t they leave me alone?” , were some of the things I told him people were saying to me. In this voice that sounded as frustrated as I was he said “tell those people I said to leave you alone. You can have a room full of children and there is no guarantee they are going to take care of you when you get old!” I gave my dad a big hug and a kiss and told him I would always take care of him. He looked at me and told me I didn’t ever have to worry about that, just take care of myself. Honestly, I ignored the statement, gave him a peck and went about my day. When my father became ill, one of the most devastating things that happened to him was he was unable to work. He took pride in working and taking care of his family. The thought of someone else having to do something for him was something he could not deal with. Even something as small as me fixing his pillow while he was in the hospital. “No I got it baby, you sit down”, he would say. I was so frustrated because he would not allow me, or anyone else for that matter, to do anything for him. It was my pleasure and you always want to help those you love. My father had been so used to doing things for others, receiving was not something he was accustomed to. I insisted on helping so I just did what I wanted to and helped without offering. He fussed and I ignored him. For the life of me, I could not understand why he was so stubborn.
It is so easy for us to say things like we don’t have any friends or anyone to take care of us because we are so used to being strong on our own. This is a box I have put myself into many times and it takes a friend or family member to get me out of it. When you’re single and your only child is an adult, it is easy to look around and think you are alone. I recently had to schedule an outpatient procedure and I was determined to do everything on my own. I thought I had everything in order until the doctor told me I could not use Uber to and from the procedure. Are you kidding me? What are single people supposed to do? What about people who don’t have anyone in their life? I was so mad, I even tried to get the doctor to make an exception to the rule. The answer was a big fat NO! Now mind you, I had friends asking me if I needed anything and offering to take me, but I declined. I did not want to be a bother and I did not want to feel like I was taking someone away from something important. It is my procedure and my responsibility to handle it. The closer it the date approached, the more and more anxious I was getting. I could not figure out a way to make it come together. One day as I was venting on the phone with a good friend of mine, she finally told me she was going to take me. I thanked her and declined. She then said without hesitation, ” Landa, that is what friends are for. You are not alone and I want to help you.” I finally agreed to the help, but not without offering to pay her for her time and gas. She got upset and told me ” I would not have offered if I could not do it. You don’t have to pay me. You need to learn how to let someone be a friend to you because you are a good friend to me and so many other people.” I thought about my dad and how he didn’t know how to receive. Neither did I. I was forced to think about all of the loving people I have in my life and how I am willing to do anything for them if asked. I need to open myself up to receiving help when I need it.
We are proud to say we can do it all and we have not had to have any help at all. Along with pride, we often feel as if we are burdening others by asking or allowing them to help us. As much as I tell people they are not alone and we are all one, I struggle with it just like everyone else. In some strange way, I thought asking for help was a sign of weakness. It’s actually the opposite. It’s a sign of strength. We show just how strong we are when we are able to receive.
“Until we can receive with an open heart, we’re never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.” ― Brené Brown
World's Okayest Therapist 